enoonmai

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:09:39 GMT

pupcake died this morning.
last night when i got home from adventures with danni my mom told me she wasn't doing well and to come upstairs. she was non-responsive. shallow breathing. at one point my mom lifted her head and it just fell. no energy in her body and i could feel her spine and how her tail had straightened. after awhile she was able to move. she kept edging to the end of the bed and at one point she managed to get down. we didn't know what she wanted, but now i realize it was probably water as she'd spent hours earlier puking by my mom's account, and god i hope that's not it but either way, she is dead and that can't be changed. i knew she wouldn't make it through the night, could sense her dying before my very eyes. wanted her too, hoped, but said my goodbyes anyway, stroking her head and holding her paws until i fell asleep. tell her i love her and it's going to be alright. you lived a good life.
the morning scene was almost as hard as waking up with her still warm body curled into mine. my mother cradling her in her arms, pupcake already stiffening with rigor mortis. my mother's wild eyes telling me she'd been alive half an hour ago, the last time she checked. my mother's eyes crying she should've taken her to the vet, she should've done this or that when the truth is pupcake was an old dog, had been sick for months now and we had no way of knowing, could not speak her language. my mother in the kitchen doorway sitting rocking and weeping over what remained of our 6th family member who had been her companion for all the years kate and i went missing. she will feel that empty spot in the bed, hear the silence which once had breath. my sister shooting out of bed, already tears in her eyes elevating her voice. she couldn't look, didn't want to see, but she did, and i'm sure the image will stay with her and haunt her to see such life as a shell.
it still is not entirely real to me. she has brought more joy to me and my family in the past 15 years than any other one thing and will be missed and mourned. i feel wounded as though her death extended in-part to me. she is dearer to me than majority of the humyn beings i've encountered in my life and how do we deal with the silence? the house feels empty, abandoned, like wood on a frame. my hands are dry and closing upon themselves instead of spreading out into her fur.
fuck.
to know i can't remove this aching.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:32:57 GMT

i keep forgetting to breathe.
this was not supposed to happen.
i am appreciating our time together and getting to know each other again, finding we are more similar creatures now than we were ten years ago, but feelings are developing more rapidly than i was prepared for. a part of me likes the ambiguity of our "relationship", the lack of pressure and structure, but another part realizes she may be in a very different boat. the fact of the matter is that she is still recovering from a serious relationship where as i was indifferent before mine ended.i don't even know if she's still seeing nina and won't dare to ask. it is completely feasible that she has her eyes wide open, but aren't i fun? i'm not saying i want to hop in the moving van or make future plans, that would be utterly ridiculous at this point and not on my list of to-do's, but the truth is i wasn't looking and i'm not looking and i have a feeling she still is and once she finds that person i will be left cold as she becomes absorbed in another relationship; as a friend would hurt equally.
but aren't we friends? friends who hold hands and kiss, lay side by side or wrapped in the dark? friends who have HOT HOT make-out sessions and seem to bring the kid out in one another? it is in my best interest not to put too much emphasis on what will or won't come next, to enjoy is as it happens. so far i'm able to do just that and glow in her presence, but i can feel the dark seeds of doubt sprouting in my knotted stomach and this is just unacceptable. humyn perhaps, but i'm becoming quite comfortable and in love with the idea of not knowing what the fuck i'm doing in all other areas of my life.
i am beginning to feel i should close the cage that is my heart as a protective measure. know i will not. i will ride this wave until it breaks, spilling me on shore, raw and bleeding. know that i will walk blindly and if all else fails my art/writing is never more brilliant as when my spirit is suffering.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:02:53 GMT

majorly updated my deviant art page (thanks for reminding me danni) and within an hour 5 people favorited my work. i cannot express in words how good this made me feel. i have not cried for joy in over 3 years.
linksies: http://crashmecrazy.deviantart.com/

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:14:14 GMT

all i can think is "what the fuck am i doing?". i've been walking around with this tune in my ears for the past couple of weeks with little room for silence. i feel many things. i am enjoying these things. painful, nostalgic, invigorating. it seems the only time i feel alive is when uncertainty is the only certainty. not confusion, just wide open spaces and infinite possibility. at this point in my life all i want is to feel and taste and touch like a child awakening to the wonders of the world that slowly turn to common place things. the knowledge that this will end does not hinder my thirst as i constantly drink in all that surrounds me as i have grown to accept the crash but live live live for the ride. this is why i am breathing today. these fleeting moments of grace when clarity settles in my breast and the fog of self doubt dissipates seamlessly. i could not ask for more.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:08:09 GMT

first off, it took me almost an HOUR to figure out how to do an lj cut with an image. i swear i am not retarded, only technologically.
second, this is

since i've written so much about him over the years i figured i'd put a face to the name.
that is all.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 02:15:05 GMT

update:

milk maid dress
single(woohoo:D)
satanists
painting
mushrooms
abandoned farmhouse
functioning
muppet socks
sea glass
drop city
negatory lyme
jungle hair
1/2 off sushi
bathroom parties
shaved
tix
support+encouragement
scissor sisters
sweet cords
the ladies

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 05:49:36 GMT

i fit the stereotype to a "t". i miss being with a womyn. i am absolutely in love with jake, but it's so different, at least as far as the womyn i choose go. he stimulates an entirely different part of my being; intellectually, sexually. i don't know how to deal with the fact that i know this will always be an issue, and truth be told, the day he told me he would understand if i fell in love with a womyn i decided i wanted to be with him...again. i believe it would hurt him, whether or not he let show, and that (amongst other reasons) is why i haven't sought a female partner.
recently i've gotten back in contact with an ex-girlfriend/friend. i enjoy her company, she is an amazing person, but i can't lie: i have feelings for this girl i can't deny and it eats at me. it bothers me that i can't be with her (assuming she'd want to). it bothers me that i wouldn't, even if she wanted to, out of respect for him. it bothers me that i'm restricting myself, that we all resrtict ourselves (though that is a different entry entirely that i'll very likely never get around to posting). it bothers me that i feel this way about another person when i'm already with someone. a part of me feels like restrictions placed on relationships not only need to be placed on an individual level, but are bullshit; that often we have more love in our hearts than we are willing to admit. another part of me feels that i'm an asshole for feeling this way. that i AM the stereotype: would i feel this way if i were straight, so to speak? is it not truly love if i can fathom, desire, want to be with another person? or is it a social stigma and standard i have accepted not only as the norm, but as the truth as well? it feels like a blessing as well as a curse to view the world through both eyes if not with all.
but i don't think it's greedy. i don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging separate parts of yourself or acting on them provided no one gets hurt. and that is the conundrum.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 01:22:25 GMT

i wonder if humyn connection would improve with simply giving an honest answer when given a mundane question. for example, yesterday a womyn came into work and (mostly) out of habit i asked how her day was going.rather than giving a one word response, as we are all so accustomed to, she opened up a dialog with me about how our days we ACTUALLY going. it was such a nice rift in the employee/customer relationship that i warmed to her immediately and when she came in today we resumed talking like old friends. i think i shall try this sometime in any-store-usa to see what results may come of it.

one thing i hate about working for corporate america: a few days ago a girl i've been working with was "released". said girl is a twenty-year-old single mother raising two kids. all through december she begged us to let her pick up our shifts (despite the fact everyone's hours have been cut)and posted notes on the bulletin board weekly with the same request so she could buy her kids xmass gifts. a good portion of us helped her out in what ways we could and my boss even bought presents for her kids. the reason she was "let go" was because she received complaints from customers on four separate occasions. i know for a fact that on one of those occasions the customer was being a complete asshole and unlike the majority of my coworkers over the years she stood up for herself in the most polite way possible. i told her at the time i was glad i was working with someone who had a spine and assured her she was not in the wrong (which i honestly don't believe she was). says my boss: i had to follow procedure. you could tell she was sorry, but fear is a mighty god and i suppose the fear of losing her own job by not reporting all incidents to corporate was enough to make her cower. this makes me miss my old boss who would fight tooth and nail for his employees if they were good ones, which this girl was, and who was not afraid to tell the customer when they were in fact wrong. it felt good to know someone had my back, was choosing people over profits. starbucks sells itself; we are just the tired faces behind green aprons who fake pride to keep our benefits. oh well, the show must go on.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:16:57 GMT

WANTED: one pair of leopard footie pajamas

they have these at JC penny online, but i'm hesitant to use my card online. i'm sure it's safe and all that rot, but i've only had it one for a month now (it boggles my mind when 13-16 year olds come into starbucks with them/when 13-16 year old come into starbuck at all)so i'm still warming up to the idea. it's like magic with the potential for horrific consequences....alright, horrific may be a bit strong...well, maybe not for some people.

i've decided i have some MAJOR decluttering to do. i decided awhile ago that i wanted not an inch of my house/room/apartment/whatever uncovered (because for some reason empty spaces bother me-except in abandoned buildings:D), kind of like a live-in carnival of sorts, but have now decided that half the crap i own is just that. like i've mentioned before: living out of a box and suitcase REALLY makes you realize how little you actually NEED. not to say i'm a complete minimalist, but i'd like to inch more in that direction. i plan to keep things that have been given to me; have some deep meaning or emotional attachment; are bona fide antiques; anything that is one-of-a-kind; 90% of my art supplies; and perhaps a few things for decorating. to keep my happy level of over-sensory i have every intention on making the huge collage (or whatever it may turn out to be (planning is so overrated)) i'd wanted to start this summer.

my friend michelle is getting married in april and the upcoming bridal shower is making me increasingly uneasy. of course i'll go because i am happy for her seeing this is what she wants, but her and i have discussed that the purpose of said bridal shower is to get free stuff. well...heh...whatever, to each his or her own (not to mention i'm VERY rough around the edges and absolute shit at small talk. i'm more a "show your bones" kinda gal).as she has told me her fiancee is less than sexually adventurous i'll be buying her a vibrator of some sort. i'm thinking you can't go wrong with the clitoris/g-spot combo. i personally cannot imagine marrying *shudders* someone whom i find boring in bed before we even tie the knot. i sent good sexual ju-ju her way via an on-the-spot spiritual dance we made up together. ridiculous fun.

other than that, i'm learning more and more about the strangeness of this place i swore i'd never return to (this is one of various reasons i stopped saying "never"); it is definately not the same place i left.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:05:42 GMT

thank goodness the holidays are over. cheese and rice.

overall it wasn't so bad. it's the first year jake and i have spent them with both of our families and he came over for new years as well. i managed to buy all my presents from antique/thrift stores this year with the exception of the book i made for jake. i should have taken pictures of it to post here, but most of it was personal poetry and after the month i took to make it i really just wanted it wrapped and gifted. he loved it by the way, i was only sorry i couldn't make gifts for everyone.

i wish the hours of the day bowed in my favor.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:06:03 GMT

i had another dream about him.
i saw him, rain running down his face, dripping from his hair and he was so beautiful i couldn't speak. turned away, pretending not to notice. he calls my name and i can't resist the lure.suddenly, he is not so wonderful anymore. his face has changed and clearly he's on drugs. he is shaking and weak and vomiting. he is not so beautiful after all.
but in the rain he was a god.
i am asking you kindly now to leave. i've asked you before but you did not abide. i will never know you. you will never know me. once we did. once long long ago. we are not those people anymore and i do not love you. i don't know how to bury you the way you did me. i don't know how to mean i don't want you here when i say it. the truth is, if i ever saw your eyes inches from mine again, i would forgive you everything and inevitably i'd tear open my chest to expose my soft still fragile core that never grew into the scar tissue i tried to create. i would sew you inside and you'd never get out and i'd never get on and how i hope i never see your eyes again inches from my own.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:53:20 GMT

the bad thing about ancient buildings is the price of heating only to have a good majority slip out through the cracks. hardwood floors, gingerbread trim, and peeling paint do not make up for this though i love them so. harrumph!

so, the starbucks here is pretty ridiculous. the store is too small, we're ALWAYS understaffed, and my manager does not believe in breaks. i however, believe in nicotine and how it effects my mood after a few hours of going without. so far, about 5 customers (3 which i didn't recollect) recognized me from the annapolis store which can only further prove that starbucks may actually be a lifestyle. huh.....ooookay....another creepy thing: the customers here are essentially the same as in anap. same mannerisms, same throw the money on the counter look off into space instead of the person directly in front of you, speaking to you (as a matter of fact) and NO FUCKING MANNERS to speak of (well, the majority). i know this is mainly due to the ever awkward customer-employee relationship, but it IS worse at starbucks, i swear it's not just me. plus it really doesn't help my growing disdain for consumerism in general (which of course i'm a part of) and the stereotypes of the wealthy. i know that is so unfair, but it's in my face everyday. i'm working on getting over that.

progress on my room is slow, i've always done well with suitcase living anyway. i did find some old journals and binders from highschool with were particularly frightning, but contained good memories as well. actually the ones from middleschool made me downright ashamed of myself, thank golly i let go. i suppose some good did come from alienation.

this is amusing: my friend chrissy called me today to tell me her fishing expedition on saturday ended horribly when the boat sank. since no one was hurt, i found this hilariously dramatic. when i find the clip in the paper i'm putting it in the collage that will be my fabulous wall. she did however catch some rockfish which we will be enjoying tonite.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:47:26 GMT

cheese and rice what a crazy month.

today is my first day back in deleware, first day at my "new" job, first day under an old roof. it hasn't really sunk in yet that i won't be going back "home" in a couple days or even a couple weeks. i won't see jake every day or isis or my incredibly strange and delightful co-workers (never thought i'd find people just as odd if not odder than me in a work setting, love love love).

anyway. i've been doing really well and taking everything in stride. i'm not happy about this situation, but i'm looking at it as an experience and at least i'll get to spend more time with people i've missed.

gimmie a week...surely i'm be bitching and baring my bones again.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:38:40 GMT

it's finally hit me that in a month jake won't be part of my everyday life. after 6 years of each other this feels like a divorce. going through the house, separating our things, deciding what to carry on with and what to leave behind. leaving the cat even hurts.
we both know this is what's in our best interest before we do irreparable damage to one another, but that is a small comfort right now. small compared to vanishing before each others eyes. it's as if for all our ups and downs and ins and outs this is the real break. this is the only real break up where neither of us can go back on our word. i'm not sure how to handle every day without his comforting arms and listening ears,without saying goodnight. even during our separations he has always been central to the life i've created for myself here; we created it together. and now
now.
i'm moving back to deleware. after months of debating it and searching for an apartment here i've realized that jake is my "here". i don't have a great affinity for baltimore or DC though it's nice being 20 minutes away. my job is transferable, and i lost 90% of the friends i've made since getting clean. the only thing left is the hope i had in coming here which in time turned out to be a lesson about inner contentment.
i know what i'm going back to. it will mean long winters and a struggle to maintain my current lifestyle, enduring the harassment of small town people, possibly forgetting there is a whole wide world, and remembering the grass isn't always greener on the other side. but i'll also be going back to allot of love and allot of support. there are amends to be made and time to make up for-that i WANT to make up for. there are people i'd like to get to know all over again an others it may be hard to run into. at least now i know i will never be stuck there. i got out and i hacked it and learned so many things that have made me a little more whole.
for the longest time i didn't understand that changing my life meant changing myself. i put it off for so long even after making the realization. now i am grieving and reminding myself it's part of healing and that i'm going to hurt for a long time, but it's a different kind of pain. i'm beginning to let go. i've seen my insides which, though slightly mangled, hold a strange sort of beauty i've not yet beheld. in telling myself i'm going to be alright i can almost believe it. that is amazing in itself.
it's funny finding rays of hope in hurt. i've been crying all day after the initial blow yet somehow have managed not to tear myself down. i wish that made it easier, but still i cry and shake and mourn for what is lost. it's so much easier having your outsides in.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 06:50:54 GMT

so i did. i let go. time and schedules meant nothing. i completely gave myself over to the city and let it pull me in any direction with no direction or expectation. if twice wasn't enough, i've decided third time IS a charm and i WILL move there someday. i've never felt more at home in my life than in san francisco's pulsing heart beat.
i realized this trip that my brother and i are more alike than i'd thought. it was strange to feel comfortable around him without the safety net that is my sister. we actually had a fairly lengthy conversation about lucid dreaming which took on new dimension given he's the only person i've ever met who has experienced it (other than myself), and one of few who remembers their dreams nearly every night in such vivid detail it is like having your own universe. poor kate would've been the one we were thinking "sucks for you" about.
we ended up going out every night we were there. at first i thought i would never make it in the bar scene for more than one night, but on the second i decided to have a drink and hello chemical confidence!!! of course it equally helped that the music was awesome and no one was attempting to rub one off on the dance floor. it was enough not to hear the same top 20 dance songs on repeat. i'd forgotten how much i love being a mover and a shaker.
an extra bonus is that you don't need a car. we walked from the mission to the haight, took the bus down town, took the bart (similar to the metro) to the airport....no gas or insurance required. we did rent a car for a couple days to go rafting down the american river in sacramento-worth it!there were these uber-tan guys, probably in their 40s, cruising around with necks full of beads, rafts full of beer, blaring what could only be described as the 80s stripper soundtrack. they'd make stops along the way to party on the shore with the college kids. bikini-a-go-go. professional barely legal muff chasers who'd been on spring break for the past 20 years of their lives = hil-arious.
i started taking anti-depressants again about a week ago. going back to my mediocre life in maryland will determine their effect on me. so far so good, but i was in my element for a week and just not having to be at starbucks dramatically alters my mood as does getting out of my apartment and being surrounded by love. it makes me think moving back to deleware wouldn't be so bad, love is all you need and all that rot. i really want the drugs to work. i'm not sure how long it would take to completely break me down. i've already lost hope, have recurring despair, but cannot seem to truly accept the path i've chosen. i guess that's what happens when you don't work towards your goals. hence my new favorite quote in all it's beautiful simplicity: you will never be ready.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:42:42 GMT

we're going to california on monday. i'm looking forward to letting go.

absolutely no luck finding a place to live.

i had a dream the other night the i was driving by this old abandoned house and stopped to take a picture. after waking and the passing of a day, i realized this is the first dream i've had in ages where i appreciated the outer beauty of a structure without searching every room trying to discover its secrets. progress.
in the strange part of the dream i was at some party and this girl i used to work with was violently purging massive amounts of thick chunky vomit. high pitched animal cries of "oh god! oh god!" drowning out every retch. i left as two figures carried her, dripping from the mouth, into another room. it was fucking creepy.

my cousin david's getting married on saturday. i aways cry at weddings. it's not the act of marraige (which i don't sanction for many reasons)or the wedding itself (which to me are friviolous and such a waste of money-i mean, in half the weddings i've been to the couples weren't even religious), and definately not the symbolism behind it (i think you should create your own). it's the looks that pass between the betrothed that you don't see in everyday life; how the eyes melt and genuine smiles are revealed. in moments like that you see people's humynity and likeness, their vulnerability and their goodness. maybe i'm a closet romantic.
i went with my sister yesterday to the mall to look for a dress. my original idea was to go to a thrift store, but i thought hell, she drove for two hours to come over here the least i can do is enjoy her company an keep my nose out of the air. i'm not going to say i didn't like anything i saw, but everything i saw was in 5 other stores with different labels, prices, and patterns for the same fucking thing and i just just couldn't bring myself to spend a dime on something that screamed replica! instead of kendra! so i didn't. i had fun with kate and that was that.

jake and i are still getting along thank goodness! it's tricky being roommates and best friends with an ex-lover, but for the most part we do it well. i'm working on cutting the umbilical cord. he's begun by moving on to another girl, but i can't go about it like that. i'm in no position to even assume i could bring happiness to another person and it's not something i want to half-ass. everyone deals with things in their own ways i suppose. it's not like isolating myself is any better or more desirable than having a fuck buddy, i choose solitude based on my experiences with the latter. point is, we're starting to move on.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:08:28 GMT

question for the technologically informed:

what the fuck is this: Внутри каждого яблока находится огрызок

how the hell am i supposed to know what that says??? someone added me as a friend on here and their entire journal looks like that.

question mark

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:08:25 GMT

the more i think about it, the less i want to move back to deleware. CLEARLY it is convenient and the easier option, but easier just means easier. that's it.
i need to get over my fear of driving in the city. that's #3 on my agenda, #1 being: finding affordable housing, #2 being: transfer or get a new job. with gas prices and and the condition of my car i won't be able to afford making the trek to annapolis every day (have a mentioned how much i dislike working in annapolis?). most likely i will not get a new job. for all my bitching and inner turmoil, i have it pretty sweet where i am, but once again, i'm definitely still there because it's the easier option. of course it would be bangin' if public transportation didn't suck. i really only enjoy driving on back roads or in the absence of traffic. wouldn't it be peachy to live in a city designed for bicycles and roller skates?
yes, yes it would.
i'm still afraid of living here alone. it's not even about being raped at 2 am anymore, in all fairness, that can happen anywhere.

i kind of cracked at work the other day. i snapped at a coworker which i NEVER do. my coworkers are awesome and as soon as i see her i will apologize, she really didn't deserve it. it was a long day and customers were being exceptionally rude and ignorant. i understand that allot of people would rather be served (not just food/beverages) than help themselves, but there is a line between treating yourself and just plain lazy. starbucks is supposed to be a classy joint, but i swear i've been treated with more respect all around by the speed heart all nighters at wawa.

so it's set: my sister and i are going to san fransisco in august. my feelings toward this are an indicator of my mental state right now. i'm not really that excited though i know i should be shitting bricks. the idea of spending a week with my brother intimidates me, he has always intimidated me because he's so damn smart. also being in a city full of night life and knowing i won't take advantage of it just makes me feel worse. it will be good to get away and i love flying (at least for the first few hours), but it's also a slap in the face. by my own hand of course. a part of me has felt i belong there, a part of me knows how i glamorize situations until i am in them. conquer baltimore first kendra.

i have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of this month. i don't think once a month is enough, but maybe that's just my impatience talking, maybe that's just me wanting to heal without doing the work. or maybe once a month is just not enough. my mom says i'll feel better once i get some drugs in me...hah hah hah, imagine that. says it'll always be work, but i'll have help once my brain is functioning properly. i don't know how much i buy into all this, but i know that it can't be worse than the alternative. i'm living the alternative and am willing to swallow my pride and accept the help i can't give myself. i just need to remind myself it is not a weakness or flaw in character. if it were, i don't believe i would realize how gracious life has been to me over all, and more so, i would not be fighting it tooth and nail when i can. believe me, a 26 year battle is pretty fucking epic, some of you already know that. some days i can't believe i haven't given up while at the same time wondering, what's the point? i guess the point is there are just too man things i have yet to experience.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:58:44 GMT

i just bothered to read a large portion of my journal when i first started it.
god that was painful.
what a blind, whiny bitch i was!!!
not that i'm so much better now, but i'm GLAD that part of my life is over.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:42:45 GMT

they finally finished the root canal...4 months later. shit is for the birds. seriously. and i'm debating going to my mother's dentist even though my insurance is not covered by them. i trust her judgment, and my dental benefits are maxed out anyway.

jake is becoming clingy again. that desperate don't leave me stance. and i want to say to him: i don't belong to you, i never have and i never will. so stop touching me and making casual testing-the-water remarks. it is over for good. it should have ended long ago, but i didn't have the courage to stand on my own two feet. i will never tell him these things though. i don't want to hurt him. i am also ashamed of this admittance. i like to pretend i am strong.

it was really hard leaving deleware this time. to go from all the love and support one could ever need to being misunderstood and questioned. back to reality which is much harder NOT to escape. in an attempt to screw my head back on i'm not reading, limiting my sleep, and leaving the TV off off off (it's really better that way). one thing i've realized on returning is that it's not that maryland has nothing to offer, but that i'm unhappy with the life i've made for myself. i'm still toying with the idea of getting a studio apartment though i know this would eliminate the option of going back to school. yesterday i stayed home just to have the house to myself and oh what a difference it made. i was productive and calm with no one there to watch my every move, to act hurt when i just wanted a moment to myself, to question my love. if jake doesn't know by now that i truly love him and he is one of my best friends, he never will. maybe my friendship will never be enough for him, and if that's true, we will never function as friends anyway and should be moving on. it bothers me he thinks i'm so cold, but how can you warmly inform someone you have no interest in them beyond the interest you've shown? november is only 5 months away. come on.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:46:45 GMT

in the midst of my quarter-life crisis i realize i'm not alone, majority of the people i know in their mid-twenties are experiencing this too. it is a sad sort of comfort knowing we all will walk through alone. perhaps i'm a bit behind here seeing as i've done an A+ job at delaying the transition into adulthood. unfortunately, wisdom is not my strong point.

i'm deciding now to change my life rather than take it, thanking whom or whatever for the dim ray of hope i carry with me (i suppose it is my family whom i'm fortunate enough to receive unconditional love from though i can't say i deserve it). the hardest part is the extra work it takes every day to get out of bed, go to work, make it through work with out crying in the bathroom, nourish my body, bother to bathe and make some effort to appear like i give a damn what i look like, make phone calls, answer the phone, keep my appointments, exercise for at least 20 minutes, write without tearing it up because it's crap, force myself into bed with the knowledge i won't sleep much anyway. it's a step just being able to fall asleep without an anxiety attack, a ridiculous small relief. i want to say i have some long-term goals, but i'm not even there yet. my goals on a daily basis are to wake up the next morning without having cut or gotten high in some form the previous night. so far i'm doing well with these.

acceptance is also hard for me. actually looking at who you are and what you've become is bone crushing. accepting i will never make a living doing something i enjoy because my retarded ass decided partying was more worthwhile than education. i will probably kick myself for this for a long time. when i am taking classes and don't defeat myself early on, i get better grades than i thought i was capable of, but 10 credits in 6 years is nothing to boast about. i've also had to accept the fact that i will have to work corporate jobs (which i despise, but that's another entry) for a long time because i need health insurance. i have to learn to appreciate my not-so-new liver rather than resent it for how having a transplant has decided many factors in my life for me, without my consent of course. i have to accept the fact that i will never be free from depression, but there are things i can do about it, things i've been telling myself aren't worth my time when the truth is nothing else has worked so i'm only kidding myself, delaying the inevitable. some people say nothing is inevitable. huh. lucky you to have so much control.

guilt, regret, and resentment are my bedfellows. how idiotic is that? instead of growing from past mistakes i'm wishing they never happened, shitting in my hands so to speak. the most frustrating part is that i am fully aware these things are pointless and yet one by one i've made them a part of me not realizing how much more difficult it is to evict them once they've made homes. if you would have asked my 6 months ago if they resided in me, i would have denied it without a second thought.

i believe these next 4 months will be the last of living with jake after 6 years. it's a frightening thought, but it's to the point where if i don't break the cycle, it will continue to rotate without going anywhere. none of the what-next? options are appealing. i'm living in this city without a friend closer than 90 miles away and simply cannot afford to live here on my own though i want to.
option 2: move back home with my mother.there are reasons i moved out. it's hard to compromise your space, even when it's not yours, once you've had it all to yourself. and i know she doesn't want me there not because she doesn't love me, but because we have a good relationship for the first time ever...or maybe that's my reasoning. i also like the idea that i can walk down the street here without being called a freak, without being stared at. the invisibility factor is often soothing. i grew up in a small town where anything that does not fall into the mainstream is considered not only strange but unacceptable. it's kind of sad actually.
option 3: rent out a room with strangers. given my mild to moderate social anxiety, i'd rather move back home. maybe that's stupid.
option 4: take advantage of easily relocatable job and move to another state/town/country. i can hardly handle being alone with one friend 2 hours from my family. there is a part of me that desires this also, but not at this point in my life. i as well as anyone know the grass isn't always greener.
option 5: stay living with jake until we hate each other. continue in circles.hmmm...no thanks.

i have to agree with AA here: one day at a time. sometimes it's all you have.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Fri, 30 May 2008 00:51:20 GMT

today carol messaged me on myspace asking if josh could have my number.
background: josh was my first love and broke.my.heart. in half. we never actually broke up because he didn't have the guts to confront me, so i had no closure. i just layed in bed for a week crying (literally).
i really don't know how i feel about talking to him so i didn't reply. i feel stupid because it's been almost ten years, more than enough time to get over it. i don't harbor any animosity towards him nor do i have any lingering feelings, but i can't imagine what good could come out of this. we are very different from one another these days and i don't suppose i ever truly forgave him, i just moved on because i had to.

today i took a nap and when i woke up i just started crying for no reason. it began as sobbing then tapered off into slow trickles lasting nearly 2 hours. usually when i cry it's just before an anxiety attack and thoughts are surging through my brain, today was almost worst. a quiet surrender to sorrow i've been carrying for a few years now. it came unexpectedly and all consuming. *sighs*

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:03:09 GMT

MAJOR cleanage.
my room is a hot mess right now, but i'm still super excited to finish it.
i put all my fashion mag rip-outs in protective sheets in a 3" binder. christy christos i didn't even realize i had so much and still some to spare that wouldn't fit.this took an entire afternoon, sheesh. major haute couture eye candy. love love love:)
i've decided to make my own wall paper. jake got a massive map of the world that covers one wall and will be perfect backing for a collage. i love collaging and certainly have enough pics,clips,art,found objects, etc. to pull it off. should be done by the time the lease is up and if i actually complete it it will be my first real project. usually if i don't finish something in one day that's it, brain switch channels.
i'm thinking the wall behind my van seat should be dedicated to records. i know it's incredibly unoriginal, but it'll be cheap and easy and i hate empty wall space. strategically placed clutter is my friend. the closet takes care of the third wall, and the fourth is pretty much done already. i'm patting myself on the back now for all my fabulous thrift store finds i've stashed around the house that didn't fit into "our" room.
jake says my vintage style is borderline grandma. hah hah hah, thanks says i.

i put my vacation request in to start on june 15th. oh my how i am ready for vacation. i love deleware when i don't live there and can't wait to spend QT with my family and friends. hopefully i'll go back to work feeling refreshed cause right now i'm fucking burnt. being endlessly treated as an inferior is tiring. i should've just been a waitress, better tips. nah...fuck that.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Mon, 19 May 2008 02:52:00 GMT

so we broke up. it felt good to get dumped. i deserved it and i'm ok with it.the first few days words slipped out of habit, but now it feels good to be single so i know it is right. we decided to ride out the lease since we parted on good terms and neither of us can afford it on our own. i have a sneaking suspicion it's because he cut the rope this time. i'm ok with that too.

last sunday james called just as i was laying down to sleep with free radiohead tickets. it takes ALLOT to pull me from the arms of sleep, that's one of my happy places. radiohead qualifies. so we drove 3 hours in the rain and horrid traffic to catch the last hour...standing in the freezing rain shaking.worth it. it took us all night to get home and i was still late for work.

it's nice to feel alive.

kara stayed here tues-thurs. it was wonderful but i found myself thinking: this is not my life anymore. staying up all night partying then sleeping through the day. i know all about it. i know what's in my mind and i know what's in the apartment, what could i possibly find that hasn't been found? i want something new. i don't want to always know where the day will take me. there are things about kara i absolutely adore, but i always know what comes the next morning and i'm tired of spending it in bed or waiting around picking up the shambles which were neither interesting then or now. it's the same as it's always been with different scenery and different players to read the lines. i don't want this. it's almost right, so close it's easy to bypass the setbacks, but no. this is not my life.

i think i've gotten to the point where the desire to change trumps the ease of daily life. it's very intimidating looking at the small things, the things i do everyday, they're the things that need changing. it's not about who i am, i'm cool with who i am when i have the courage to be. i've been talking about it forever and have come to the conclusion 6 years without medication is proof enough. i have depression and anxiety and have been able to conquer neither though i've tried. it doesn't make me more creative or bold and certainly no happier. i've watched myself shrink into a shell i never knew i had and i'm over it.acceptance.

i don't know what happens in november. i feel it's time jake and i part ways and stop this cycle. i have a tendancy to confuse deep affection for romantic love. it's been years since i've felt that heart attack, but i guess i just accepted that that's how it is in serious relationships. then i started observing others and admitting to myself the facts. you can't force yourself to love someone. i am sorry for that.

i'm enjoying sleeping on the couch (i love couches), but i can't wait till i have a room to myself again. sanctuary!!! i can finally display all my thrift finds and art that didn't fit "our" room, and since i'll have the luxury of being messy :) i'll probly be making more art. we've got a lot of work to do this week.

XcrashmecrazyX@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 May 2008 02:24:29 GMT

i have met so many people who seem to be suffering from holes, imagined or real, that many are quite unaware of. how can one possible know how to fill the unknown but with trial and error? it appears i am lacking as well. this constant searching without a clue what i seek. on sunny days open fields tear those holes wide open so i feel the rush of air passing through the hollows. these days the most minuscule and obscure things press upon my heart so firmly blood squeezes up my neck and turns to tears slowly, reluctantly even, leaking out my eyes. there was a moment today driving home where i felt sure the dam would burst, flooding the vehicle, swallowing me whole, and i would be purged. but few tears escaped and the holes have begun to feel like wounds. i don't know how to fix this.